All these posts on the blessings of motherhood today concluding a week (or season) where I’ve not been feeling it. Don’t get me wrong I have my times of gratitude for the messes and the laundry as it means we have little ones that all too soon will be gone. There will be a time our garage will be void of bikes and sidewalks clear of chalk art. But lately I’ve had more questions on mothering than answers. More frustration than fun.
It’s just…I’m not who I thought I would be. Sometimes they aren’t who I thought they would be. Our days don’t go how I pictured, and yet the days go by so quickly that they become years faster than I desire. Some of those days spent questioning if I’m truly the best influence for my kids. How can I point them toward Christ when so poorly reflecting Him? Truth be told I don’t have the playbook to this mothering gig, and it takes a lot of energy hiding from the kids that I’m winging it. Ha!
As a young(er) mom mastering diaper changing and potty training with one eye open from sleep deprivation I watched the moms with older kids and assumed they had “figured it all out”. Now I’m passing though the various stages of childhood waiting for the “ah-ha!” moment. Still waiting. With age comes wisdom – right? Wrong! Well, unless you’re a grandparent it seems. THAT’S the gig to have!
Maybe I’m forgetful or blacked it all out, but my mom made it seem easy. She sure seemed to know what she was doing. Perhaps my mom went to bed at night with the same fears and feelings of inadequacy I sometimes do. I don’t remember days of my childhood feeling disastrous, but as the mom some days (weeks) seem like colossal failures. Maybe I’ve got a bad memory and my prayer should be my kids do too.
But then again it’s not just my mom. It can seem mother’s all around me have it all figured out. Confident in their decisions and direction. Or perhaps it’s a front we all display because it’s what we do. Pretend we have it together in front of our kids and keep that front going with others as well. We just keep plugging along, day after day, one foot in front of another yet all wondering if we will end up where we really want to be.
All that frustration without even factoring in that we try to do this along side another adult. Co-parenting. Two different people, with two different ideas, with two different loads of daily stress and past experiences. Together, yet both unsure and trying to tackle it in unison hoping for decent results. A group project without instructions, inconsistent test subjects, and a never ending due date.
One of my kids asked me the other day “Why do parents each get their own day? What about a day for us kids?” While my first thought was what an ungrateful and self centered child I must be raising- the only answer I could muster is to say “Because it’s hard.” Full of joy and blessings at times, but other times it's just plain HARD. The weight of responsibility is a heavy one to carry.
But, to that child, and the other two, I say this- one day you will understand. One day you too will have days of doubt & frustration. You will worry you are messing it all up. And while I hope (for my sake) your memory is free from the “disastrous” days I felt we have had, I hope you know I tried the best I knew how. I wasn’t always the mommy I thought I would be. I had my times of sadness at the speed of which you were growing up, but I also had my days of longing for bedtime. Many weeks passed waiting for a new Monday with a fresh start. I was snappy and sighed more than I should have. I was winging it daily and at best my performance was average. But, average IS passing.
If I taught you nothing else I pray you could see past me to who sustains me. The moments of patience and forgiveness I displayed were because of the patience and forgiveness He has given me. The not so great moments were opportunities to draw me closer to Him. To surrender my control and my ways to His. To seek his forgiveness, guidance, and His unending mercy & grace. Day after day. Fresh start after fresh start. And since He has a plan & doesn’t make mistakes- I’m the mom you’re suppose to have and you’re the kids He seems to think I can mother.
But never fear…on those days you struggle in your parenting I will be there. I will reassure you they are wonderful kids just being kids and to enjoy the time they are little. I will tell stories of your childhood antics. I will be there to provide unlimited sweets & sugar to my precious grandchildren who do no wrong. I can hardly wait! And it’s then you will no longer wonder why a Mother’s Day? Why a Father’s Day?
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