Torn

Is how I feel tonight. Tomorrow two of my little sprouts should be heading off to their first day of school.  My big, beautiful girl Emma to 4th grade and amazingly, Aidan to kinder.  My heart would feel sad and achy at how big they have become.  I would go to sleep tonight and wake in the morning with "jitters" for their first day.  Two little lunches with a note of love and encouragement from Momma would be packed. I would feel a bit empty as I pulled away from the circle drive with only one little, lonely guy in the van who would ask a thousand times where Aidan was. 

The day of having them all in school and my days free would be so close I could almost taste it.  It's the moment so many wait for. Lots of time to get the house clean, keep up laundry & chores, "me" time, grocery shop without the time constraints of picking up a preschooler.  Oh, to only one kid to tote around from store to store!

However, there won't be that traditional first day.  No sad circle drive drop off, very little free time throughout the day, probably a messier house than ever before, shopping trips with all 3 stooges, yet a very happy and non-lonely little guy.

I still have jitters, but only for myself. Keeping the children home to school can feel like an overwhelming weight of responsibility at times. Self doubt abounds. Guilt of missed school opportunities rise up in me. Fear of messing up or leading them astray.  Yet, despite it all I feel peace.  I see the opportunities they will have through numerous home school networks.  I can rejoice that I know Emma will have the same teacher all year.  No wonder of what is being taught at school.  I will have a clear picture of her progress first hand.  I will get to witness Aidan's progress into reading.

So down we go on this different, scary and uncertain path that quite frankly I'm still shocked to find we are on!   Luckily we don't walk it alone.